The Women's Code Goes on the Road

December 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Beate Chelette

I’ll be taking my code to Texas.

Although many women joined me for the very first Women’s Code Conference in California last March, and many others are continuing to discover online about our work on behalf of helping women find balance in their lives, I’ve got a great opportunity for anyone who’s going to be in or around Austin, Texas, in early January.

I’m speaking at the fabulous Wizard Academy, that teaching institution for all things wonderful and insightful and counterintuitive that Roy H. Williams founded. Roy himself teaches enlightening courses on everything from “Da Vinci and the 40 Answers,” which provides techniques and perspectives that offer you the keys to innovation, to “Magical Worlds and Advanced Thought Particles,” in which Roy teaches you how to tweak any form of communication – literature, music, painting, architecture, etc. – for higher levels of impact.

As for me, I’ll be there as a guest speaker for the academy’s First Friday, when it opens its doors free to the community once a month, from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. You can not only discover the Wizard Academy, you’ll have a chance to hear me outline the Women’s Code.

I know that if you’re reading my blogs, you have some acquaintance with The Women’s Code, which I created after a life in business – as both an employee and an entrepreneur, as a woman, mother, wife and all-around seeker of wisdom – and which I introduced to women earlier this year.

But I’ll be talking in Austin about how the Women’s Code can be incorporated into the lives of women, and of the men who love them.  This is only a teaser for the full-fledged Women’s Code course, gut you’ll get a taste of some of the insights that I myself have learned through my career.

These include:The Women’s Code Goes on the Road

  • How to recognize the “rhythms” of your life, so that you can understand that everything has a time and place for you
  • How to learn to forgive yourself – and to forgive others – for their actions
  • How to trust other women
  • How to have it all

There’s a lot more – but come to Austin to find out!

Your coach,

Beate

Filed Under: Discover Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Support Is All Around

December 22, 2011 By

I Am Pondering About…

Even though there are things I know we have no control over, I still get angry at our helplessness.

Just as a quick recap for you, dear reader, a few weeks ago as I was sailing with good friends in the Caribbean, disconnected from the world, I finally decided to log on when we were near a wifi hotspot. The Facebook app on my iPad had a message that said, “Call me when you can.”

The message came from Melissa, the young woman I’ve written about over the last year. And it was the message that I had feared getting while I was vacationing. Before responding to Melissa’s request to phone her, I checked her mother Louella’s Facebook page, and found that she had passed away.

Even though I knew that her passing was inevitable, I wasn’t prepared for it. I doubt that you can ever prepare yourself. I should have done more. I should be doing more now. But, what do I say? Can I be my usual compassionate tough love self or more delicate and along the lines of you will be OK? With the rapidly approaching holidays Melissa and her sisters are surely feeling the loss of their mother in a significant way.

Especially during the quiet time of the year I too, feel my own limitations. I should be doing more but sometimes I am so overwhelmed with my own life, my own problems that I can’t. The mountain of issues to deal with, tasks to accomplish and people to please seems to be growing by the day.

That feeling of helplessness. Can you relate to it? What did you do to get yourself through it?

But back to the story that I started with. Melissa’s mother passed away November 7. Her funeral is long over and it was heart-wrenching watching her three girls sit there at times stone faced, at times sobbing. Louella’s own mother was there, heartbroken. A sweet Japanese lady who was so overwhelmed with grief that she could barely speak. A memory embedded in my mind, reminding me how unjust it is for a parent to see their children depart.

In all of this, there was a silver lining. To my surprise, though it is in sync with what we talk about as part of The Women’s Code, many of Melissa’s girlfriends showed up to support her. I don’t think I ever saw so many teenagers support one another. Crying and uncomfortable and a little awkward like teenagers are, but they were all there. Some 100 of them filled the church.

No matter what anyone will ever say, there is much more support around us than we often think it is. At times it just takes our opening our eyes and seeing what is in front of us. And that dear reader is my message to you for this season. No matter how difficult it may be, no matter what size your family is (in my case this year it’s my daughter and I), no matter how big or small the gifts under your tree will be, there is still so much support around us.

I call them the little gifts of God. It could be someone telling you, as it happened to me today, that you look great although I was having a terrible self-image day. It can be that a smile, a wave, a gesture that will let you know with absolute certainty that you are supported.

Will you please share your little gifts of God?  In which way have you gotten a message that gave you that feeling of comfort and support recently?

With many blessings.

Your Coach,

Beate

Filed Under: Family & Friends Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Of Friends Passing and Lasting Friendship

December 16, 2011 By

By Beate Chelette

Today is the day to face up to responsibilities. Like any other day. Still, this one is different. I am sitting here in my living room waiting until it’s time to go to Louella’s service.

I was on vacation in the British Virgin Islands when I received a note from Melissa that said, “Call me when you get this.” I knew immediately what had happened, and before calling Melissa, I checked her mother’s — my friend’s — Facebook page. She had passed away peacefully.

She died peacefully, but she is no longer here. And she leaves behind a daughter whom, as many of you know, I’ve taken under my wing. My feelings are all over the place. A part of me is almost glad that it’s is over. Because now the inevitable has happened: Louella has died. No miracle occurred, no spontaneous healing took place, the worst-case scenario unfolded.

I am not afraid of death. When my father passed away I had a vision that will stay with me for the rest of my life, a vision about the great beyond, the next and inevitable phase for all of us. I have known for a long time that there is something that comes after this. But still, I am in pain — for Melissa, for her sisters, for her mother, for their lives, for my friendship with them all.

Melissa and I were able to find time to have lunch together in the week after her mother passed away. I am strong. This meeting however took all I had. I didn’t want to cry or lose it in front of my young friend.

Why is it do you think that there are circumstances where we feel safe to let our pain show while at other times we are so bottled up about it?

Maybe you’ve been there, and you can offer advice. Is it better to show my grief in such a public way, or should I follow my instinct and remain strong, that is, quiet and stoic? Honestly, sometimes being strong gets to be a burden. Where do we find balance between giving and getting?

The infinity sign goes both ways

Can you relate to this scenario? You are a giver. You love to give. You give freely and find great joy in recognizing how other people derive joy from the things you do. If someone needs help you are the first one to offer help. You help even when you aren’t asked. Your contributions are sometimes appreciated and other times they go unnoticed. What do you do then?

Filed Under: Family & Friends Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

A Mother’s Wish

November 12, 2011 By

I realize this is a recurring theme with me lately: to accept or not the situation that life puts us in, especially given the travails of my friends Melissa and her mother, who’s fighting a losing battle with cancer and wishes the best for her daughter.

I’m back and forth between visits and my recuperation from visits. Back at the hospital visiting Melissa’s mother, back at home wondering how to process it all. Forgive me if I appear to judge. I don’t know if it’s actually being judgmental or not – Melissa’s mom doesn’t seem to accept her situation, and I don’t know if it’s my place to tell her what she doesn’t want to here. It’s a battle that can’t be won and I want to help. Yet this battle is not mine to fight nor even mine to bring up. My role – if I even have one – is to support her. Nothing else.  That’s what The Women’s Code is all about: Empowering women and supporting them in their own choices.

Melissa actually came onto a coaching call I made for The Women’s Code. That girl is remarkable – she doesn’t even know how strong she is. She has such beauty inside, and has made her peace with what’s been going on with her mother.

As always, her strength shone through. Her attitude led all the women on the call to reflect. An outpouring of love and support that Melissa drinks from, which has helped her grow tremendously.

We went for dinner to a nice restaurant in my neighborhood. Melissa wondered out loud why I even would do such a thing for her. I told her that I want to show her that there is an entire other world out there that is hers for the taking. She nods, beginning to understand, and begins to enjoy her curry. She relaxed and began to tell me about her ideas for a business to raise money for cancer.

For the first time I saw who she was going to be. Emerging out of this teen was a person I hadn’t seen before. What beauty, what strength, what power. It puts me in tears, still, just thinking about it.

Finally I had a moment where I looked at her grinning ear to ear inside – she will be okay!

The next day I visited Melissa’s mom wondering if this would be the time where I would make her feel what I felt, that perhaps it will be easier for her to let go.

When I entered, the grandparents were in the room as was the hospice volunteer. I told Melissa’s mom everything I talked about the night before and everything I felt. Her tears come, first slowly, then in a rush of emotion. She looked at me and says that her ex pretty much accepted that Melissa would be in a red T-Shirt working at Target and not go to college. He’d written off her future.

But that won’t be the case.

An amazing couple, Brian and Genessy Safdari from College Planning Experts, have stepped forward. They will take on the planning of Melissa’s college education — pro bono. I will share the journey with you once it begins in a few weeks.

When I told this to Melissa’s mother she finally relaxed, hearing that her daughter has been given a chance for further education, a brighter future.

“Emotionally charged” is what might describe my life best.

Let me know how you may relate to what’s going on in my life right now, and how you yourself have handled such intense moments.

Filed Under: Family & Friends

Ready Or Not, Who Are You Going To Be?

November 8, 2011 By

These days dying and death seem to be coming around quite a bit in my life. Last week I heard that a dear friend’s husband, drummer Paulo Mattioli, has passed away. He died of brain cancer. This comes on top of Melissa’s mom, whose situation I have been writing to you about.

My friend Ninaya shared with me that Paulo was ready to go. He had always been very spiritual, unafraid of what would come after life. He had a strong presence, and one of the most amazing and welcoming smiles I’ve ever encountered.

It’s been said that the year 2012 is when we are nearing the end of the world. Dark predictions have been made. Others say that just because the Mayan culture died out before they could extend their calendar the world most certainly won’t come to an end.

Personally I believe that we are seeing major shifts in the way people think and feel. From protests on Wall Street to our planet being shaken in every corner, something is going on.

I remember the feeling I had during the big 1994 Los Angeles earthquake: it was as if someone had taken you by the shoulders and shaken you violently back and forth, as if to say: Wake up, wake up!

Back then I actually did wake up and made some major changes in my life.

Ready or not, the world continues to change. The white alpha-male-dominated world is not working as it used to. New leaders are stepping up. Social media has leveled the playing field. A simple idea such as the TED conference (for technology, entertainment, design), has brought forward an incredible number of thought leaders. Google has given us the ability to fact-check just about anything.

Our tribes and communities become a more important part of who we are. Finding others who are like us, who believe in similar things, has to be one of the most liberating circumstances in life. Just yesterday I watched a 60 Minutes segment in which autistic children used iPad programs that gave them a voice they didn’t have before. The systematic and consistent approach from a computer program offered them the security, comfort and even a joy to communicate.

This explosion of new ideas, thought leaders, new processes and devices is what is making old ideas obsolete. No longer can we function simply as individuals: we need to belong to a larger group. Social, social media, a more social me.

Ready or not, here it comes, the new you. Who are you going to be?

Filed Under: Discover

Using Big Words. Forgivness

November 5, 2011 By

We are in week five of The Women’s Code Inner Circle launch. The 25 women who have accepted my personal invitation to be part of this launch are making their way through the course material each and every week.

One thing I’d like to talk about here is the concept of forgiveness.

A big word. An easy word.

In the words of one of the attendees at the Women’s Code Conference whom I gotten to know, the reality is that it’s not easy to forgive.

And there are several level of forgiveness.

When your child makes a mistake and says he or she is sorry – it’s forgiven in a minute. We know they don’t know any better, so we teach them.  When your teenager makes a mistake – it get’s a little harder, but we try.  When teenagers purposely disobey rules, and can cause serious damage to themselves or others, forgiveness is more difficult.

Now if an adult such as your partner, boss or colleague makes a mistake – this is an entirely different story.  Often this isn’t so much anymore about things that this person did as often as it is about what this person did not do. These people weren’t there, or didn’t listen or didn’t get a chance to explain their sides of the story.

What matters is who did what and how big that thing was. Our heart has an investment in our personal relationships. When something goes wrong – it usually affects you more deeply than you might have originally let on.

Honor yourself. Don’t say something is okay when it isn’t. Be honest about your feelings and speak your truth. If you are not ready to forgive I suggest to do a simple exercise such as one we do The Women’s Code Online course:

Think about the person who has wronged you. Write down what this person did and why it upsets you. Sit in front of the mirror and read aloud what you’ve written. After you have finished telling this person how you feel about what he or she has done, look in the mirror.

Say: “on behalf of (other person’s name) I ask you (your name) for forgiveness.”

Next say, “I forgive you and release you.”

Simple exercises like this raise awareness within yourself as to what is holding you back. That is why you want to forgive. Forgiveness releases the power that this negative experience has over you.

Let me know how this works for you. If you have other ideas that you’d like to share about forgiveness please share them with us.

Filed Under: Women's Choices

What Are the Right Words to Say?

November 1, 2011 By

This past weekend things seemed to be coming to a head. I got several texts from Melissa, a 16-year old teenager I’ve taken under my wing.

The texts said:

  • “She has 2 days.”
  • “She (mom) is not doing well, I’m not doing well, it’s all happening – too much, I just don’t want to put any effort in anything.”
  • “I know f*&# my life.”

With her mother fighting for a day at a time the burden that is wearing on Melissa is wearing on her. This sounded dire.
A few hours later I got several calls from Debbie, a friend of Melissa’s mom who arrived from Phoenix to handle some of her friend’s affairs. In addition, Melissa’s grandparents were checking on their daughter and granddaughters. Everything appeared to be pointing to one thing: This may be the time of departure for Melissa’s mom.
I went to the hospital and packed a book of stories on angels and Marianne Williamson’s Illuminata, my favorite prayer book. I was prepared to face what appeared to be the inevitable, the last time I might see this person.
This wasn’t necessarily so. As my dear friend Dr. Marilyn Joyce once said (echoing Yogi Berra), it’s not over until it is over. Melissa’s mom was nowhere near giving up or letting go.
When I sit with her, I read to her and pray, both aloud and quietly to myself. I’m not sure what Melissa’s mother can hear, but I believe that of all the faculties, hearing is the last to go. It still surprises me how quickly she wakes when someone enters her room.
During our few minutes together, I reiterate my promise to her that I will keep an eye on Melissa. She thanks me. I ask her whether she’s thought of what will come after all this for her. Her answer throws me for a loop: Melissa’s mom shakes her head and adamantly says “no.”
I realize that she is not ready. I wonder if she hasn’t yet made peace with her situation. The only other person I saw die without being at peace was my own grandmother. I found it scary to watch, unsettling and even dark. I worry.
It could be, however, that her doctors and everyone else are wrong in their prognosis. That Melissa’s mother is not where they think she is – at end of the road.
I ask if she worries about her daughters. She nods. Suddenly the mood softens and I see a tear rolling down her cheek.

One thing is clear to me. This woman is willing herself to live. She will fight for every single day that she has.
Suddenly I feel uneasy and out of place. I don’t know what to say or do. Should I pray for a miracle? It seems an unlikely event. Would I rob her of her belief she can get better if I believe that her condition is terminal? What can I really safely talk to her about without upsetting her? In short I didn’t know how to support her and I feel terrible about that.
Has this happened to you? Have you been at a loss for words in a difficult and delicate situation? Let me know if you have any advice for me.

Filed Under: Family & Friends

Making Better Choices

September 13, 2011 By

As I am writing this I can’t help but I am shaking my head. Just today I found out from Melissa during lunch that her father had cancer after they separated and her mom let him live in her house and helped him through. Not quite what is happening the other way around at this moment.

I spent a delightful lunch hour with Melissa and I proudly report that she is starting to turn the corner. For the very first time I heard her tell me that someone offered her drugs and instead of being upset of not being able to say no this time it was different. Melissa had gone on a YMCA trip for 10 days and the camp counselors and other teenagers were so supportive that she decided for herself that she was going to stay away from the hard stuff. She got upset at her friend for not accepting a choice she had made after she had clearly stated that she is not doing “that” anymore.

I held my breath as I was hearing the story and when I got that it wasn’t about not being able to say no but about being angry not to have ones choice be respected I had the biggest grin on my face. Go girl!

Amazing sometimes how things are changing in a matter of only a few weeks.

On the make-up courses for her high school diploma we are facing a few bumps. Algebra is a challenging and we are making our way through the course very slowly. We thought we signed up for the only Algebra course there is but this one may not be Algebra 1 but Algebra 2. I have to straighten this out next week.

We are $65 short to sign her up for the second makeup class. This one will be English and after that we are going for History. If you are compelled to invest a few or a lot of dollars into Melissa’s future please go here and help her out with what is comfortable for you. Here is where you can go to help.

I fully believe that we will be receiving the funds needed to make up all 8 classes. The goal is to see Melissa graduate high school. Because I promised her mom.

What is an instance where you realized that you had made a better choice but the people around you didn’t believe it. How did you react and how did you pull through without giving into the temptation? Did you get angry like Melissa at others who didn’t believe that you had changed?

Your coach Beate

Filed Under: Family & Friends Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

What’s going on with Melissa?

September 6, 2011 By

Even as I write this I have to take a deep breath and sadness overcomes me. It has been heartbreaking to watch.

You may remember Melissa (not her real name to protect her identity) attended The Women’s Code Conference . She stole the hearts of the audience by candidly sharing what was going on in her life. Her mother is losing her 5th bout with cancer and her family is torn apart by a divorce. Her father has moved on to a new relationship and his soon to be ex-wife a terminally ill woman of 3 daughters ages 11, 14 and 16 has to figure this out on her on.

Melissa is angry, sad and sometimes I think that she is so overwhelmed by the emotional burden that she doesn’t really know what she feels. The illness of her mother has defined her entire teenage year. All she wants is to be able to be a normal teenager. Something that cancer has stolen from her. Her anger can’t be directed at anything so she turns it against herself.

Her choices are still a little shaky. She just doesn’t have enough support and strength. She is after all only 16. But she is growing up fast. She knows that her mother ‘will be gone.’

The doctors send her mom home and told her to get her affairs in order. She may have only until the end of this summer. I went to see her a few times and she is thin, frail, and on an IV unable to consume any type of food. It’s been like this for months.

I get angry. I want to do something. I want to challenge something to a fight. But there is no fight and it’s not even my fight. So I watch and observe and offer to be there if and when needed.

This story will not have a happy ending I fear. I have taken on one fight though. I promised Melissa’s mom I will do what I can to get her daughter to graduate high school. We successfully enrolled Melissa into her first online make-up class (Algebra) and are $65 short in fundraising to enrolling her in her next make-up class English. If you feel you can and want to contribute to her fund, you can contribute whatever amount feels comfortable to you right here.

We are hard pressed to accept the will of a higher power that renders us powerless in the face of a catastrophe or a terminal illness. From the many responses I have received after I posted several video’s of my dear friend Dagmar who passed away from cancer in 2009 all I can tell you is this. We must remain a sense of normalcy and stay with our friends through these times. If you see someone who is facing a crisis, send a note, make a call or grab some food and hang out with them just because your company gives comfort.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kellqgm03s0[/youtube]

What have you done that created comfort for someone facing a tragedy? Please share your thoughts with us.

Your coach

Beate

Filed Under: Family & Friends, Video Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Stop Feeling Guilty | When You Can't Give Your Kids What They Want

August 31, 2011 By

This situation is all too familiar to all of us. We want to give our children the very best. But life isn’t always playing along. More often than not we have to say no. Here are a few ideas how to tweak your mindset and what you can do to stop feeling guilty.

 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPBEqNxkgIM[/youtube]

Filed Under: Video
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